To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
