So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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