i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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