I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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