Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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