I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
