Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
