i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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