Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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