On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
