My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
