I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
