I cannot find my penis.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
