My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize