Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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