I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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