saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
