those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
