i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
