Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
