I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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