9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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