By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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