It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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