Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
