Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
