life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
