I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
