Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
