hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
