i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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