the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
