Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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