babies were throwing up all over the place
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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