i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
