I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
