apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize