I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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