Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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