omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize