the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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