I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
