I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
