Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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