and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's never too late to be topless.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
