the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
