I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
