I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
