You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
no, he came in my armpit
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
