Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
