sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize