Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
