So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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