Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
